#50 I Said There Is No Reason For My Fear
I’m on Week 10 of 12 in The Artist's Way and it’s a tough one. TAW is basically a 12-step program for “creative recovery” so it’s all an inside job. There’s a lot of “tapping into your feelings” stuff in here, which is not my strong suit. I usually keep my mind on top and leave the heart to do it’s job pumping blood to my brain. Vulnerable feelings and emotions are a foreign land where I don’t speak the language and I’ve just missed my flight home. Don’t get me started on crying. Crying is high on my list of Least Favorite Feelings, only slightly behind vomiting and using a neti pot.
This little cutie used to cry a lot. I don't think it was just about her bangs.
This week’s chapter in TAW is all about acknowledging the toxic behaviors that keep us blocked in life, as people and as artists. What are the behaviors that detail us just when things were going so well? Or that we can point to and say, “See? THIS is why I can’t do the thing.”
I’m really hating this week and totally want to quit. I’ve done 9 whole weeks! Isn’t that enough?
Keep going, Mom!
Ugh. OK. I’ll keep going.
I don’t think it’s a secret that I’ve dealt with food issues my whole life. If you’ve seen my show -- a lot of it is in there. The list of things I’ve tried over the course of my life to get a handle on this thing is long and embarrassing. Here’s an excerpt: therapy, self-help books, astrology, Kabbalah, yoga, mantras, yantras, ayurveda, positive thinking, restriction, retreats, accountability groups, fasts, cleanses, the medical medium, and at least 25 different kinds of diets that I can remember. It’s bewildering to me that this shit is still hanging on, sitting on my shoulders.
I feel insane just typing this.
I WORK OUT, OK?
So, I’ve been doing the exercises in TAW book, journaling, meditating. I also decided to use what I’ve learned so far in my Tarot 101 course, pulling 3 cards focusing on the question: “What do I need to understand about my toxic behaviors with food to move forward?” All three cards were pentacles, which are connected to the material, tangible world. Typically, these are about health, finances/wealth, work, and creativity. But also: ego, self-esteem, and self image. The cards I drew were all about having already achieved abundance and settling in to enjoy it, and to also keep at the daily routines that advance you toward your goals.
I asked a question about my toxic food behaviors and got an answer about abundance. Interesting.
Why do i turn to food, these toxic behaviors? Fear, overwhelm, feeling not good enough. Food is comforting, numbing. Food is also at the bottom of the hierarchy of needs: it’s basic survival. I’m basically operating as if I’m in survival mode, food deprived. But actually, I’m living a life of incredible abundance. The cards are showing me that the food issues are something I’ve created to keep myself safe. But I’m already safe. I’m already secure.*
It’s like my lizard brain never got the memo: You are enough, you have enough.
Earlier today I did an IntenSati workout and the affirmations were particularly timely.
My body is my temple
I am the keeper of my health
I choose to upgrade
I choose to be well
I release self doubt
One day at a time
I upgrade my habits
I upgrade my life
I am the master of my mouth
What goes in and what comes out
I make loving choices
I forgive myself
I am programmed for healing
I am accepting it now
I am better every day
I am radiant health
As usual, when we search for answers they appear right in front of us. I can choose to stay in this prison, or I can realize that the door has been open the whole time and walk on through.
I'll be wearing this jumpsuit when I do.
PS. If you are reading this and are currently selling weight loss products or services, please feel free to not offer them to me. OK, thanks, bye.
*I mean, except for the global pandemic, the inevitable demise of USPS, and black people being killed in the street. Besides that, it’s all good.